"Good news for Iraq. There's a 50 percent chance that President Bush will confuse it with Iran." -Craig Kilborn 

"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain." -Jon Stewart 

"White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said today President Bush called British Prime Minister Tony Blair this afternoon, as he does every day tomake sure he's still in office." -Jay Leno 

"President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed." -Jay Leno 

"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular." -Jay Leno 

"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts...regular, premium and unleaded." -Jay Leno 

"Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix told the U.N. today that Baghdad is cooperating or, to put it in terms that Fox News viewers can understand, Hans Blix told the U.N. today that Baghdad is not cooperating." -Bill Maher 

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend.

See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then, he declares war." -Jay Leno 

"A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organization called 'Books Not Bombs.'President Bush said, 'Why do you want to drop books on them?'" -Jay Leno 

"My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I took her down the street to the local Texaco." -Jay Leno "Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free."  -Jay Leno 

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of theAmerican voters to become president, either." -David Letterman